WHO THE F*CK IS ALLOWING THIS NEW ORLEANS??? An open letter to the pervayors of coolness...

OK, I've got to voice my opinion on something... Who the fuck started letting hipsters and outsiders make the rules in the dj game??? So it's time for an open letter... "Deejays" (and yes the quotation marks are completely necessary) if you get offended by this, than I'm talking about you. If you've got a problem with me or anything I say, you're welcome to take it up with me in the street or on the turntables. It's your choice.

Before I begin, let me first outline who I'm NOT talking about...

If you have owned turntables, CDJs or some other dj device for MORE THAN 2 years, I'm not talking about you.

If you have a record, or CD collection comparable to your MP3 HD collection, I'm not talking about you.

If you actively support local music stores, local djs, local musicians and any local scene NOT created by you or crew of people, I'm not talking about you.

For the rest of you it's time for a little accountability and some muthaF*cking QUALITY CONTROL...

Dear "DEEJAYS" of New Orleans,

I'm sure your first question is WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY TELLING ME WHAT'S WHAT?? Well, I've been deejaying for 15 years. I started out alone as a Hip Hop deejay/graffiti writer/skateboarder. Since learning about the doctrine of Hip Hop, I lived the phrase "EACH ONE TEACH ONE TO REACH ONE." That's what I have always done... I am a teacher and a mentor first and anything else second. This in essence is what I'm trying to do with this open letter. In my own way, I want you to see what it looks like from an experienced and passionate deejay's perspective how you are shitting on our artform.

After 5 years of rigorous practice with my DEEJAY Crew, I began to enter battles. If you are unfamiliar with dj battles, here are a list of championship caliber djs now making a good living today : Qbert, Babu, Rhetmattic, J-Rocc, Melo D, Shortkut, Klever, Craze, A Trak, Roc Raida, Rob Swift, Total Eclipse, I-Dee, Precision, Teeko, etc... If you don't know any of those names, please get out a gun and shoot yourself in the private parts to assure that you can never procreate and pass your ignorance on to anyone else. Now I'm not saying those are the only good deejays in the country, there are other deejays who are good in their own rights. I'm just saying that each of these afforementioned deejays has earned the right to call themselves a Champion, and each of these individuals also has earned the respect of their peers. There is a quantatative/qualitative reason why these djs are superior... knowledge, technique and execution.

There are many ways in which deejays earn each other's respect. Having an extensive record collection, and the accompanying music knowlege to go along with said collection is one way. A keen sense of what to play and when to play it (knowing how to work and read your crowd) is another way. Technical deejay skill is yet another way. I'm lumping mixing, scratching, beat juggling and trick mixing into one category because only another real deejay recognizes each individual aspect separately.

I see you with your big expensive Macbooks and your Serato. I hear how horrible you sound because you have no idea what the EQ does with your mixer LEDs in SOLID RED. I see you pathetically trying to act the part. I see you cheating the system. I see you, and I do not respect you... neither does anyone else.

You think you are cool and unique, when you are just new. I've seen people like you drop in and out for years now. You refuse to play the game, you think in some way you are above seeking the approval of your peers. You think that the game is changing just to tailor itself to you and your "cult of cool". Well, that's not how it works. Some how here in New Orleans, a city not historically known for it's deejay talent, what you do hasn't been checked by anyone. Well welcome to QUALITY CONTROL. YOU see, bullshit like this doesn't fly in L.A., Chicago, Miami, DC, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Seattle, NYC, Boston, Atlanta, San Francisco, any other major city BUT HERE... in New Orleans a city with one of the richest musical traditions in the country you guys are out here embarrassing us. Do you realize that by doing this the tourists that come through the city think that this is the norm and not the exception? Do realize how much of a slap in the face this is to the record collecting deejay? Do you understand the need for peer review, accountablility and quality control?

There are deejays in every major city that make well over six figures. Why not here?? It's because deejays like YOU are collectively lowering the bar and destroying peoples expectations of what to expect from the nightlife here. Whether it's bar owners putting their friends on to "dj" at their bar on peak nights or it's lame-ass promoters who all of a sudden get a laptop/Serato and decide that they too can be a dj. You can't cut us completely out of the scene. My brethren and I simply won't allow it. You will be cut out.

I take this seriously. In my 15 years as dj I have spent enough money to buy a house on records and dj equipment. I have dedicated enough of my time to build 1000 houses practicing my craft. It was five years before I even thought I deserved to get paid for what I do. Now I have to watch people like you with your downloaded music or your itunes playlist or your brand new turntables/laptop/Serato combo refusing to recognize the deejays which came before you and helped pave the way for your "deejay career".

This is also acting as a PSA for the listening public. I'm going to let the casual listener know what to expect from real deejays and I will encourage them to walk out on anything less. It is my hopes to raise the bar in the city so that competent, skilled, passionate deejays can take your place and destroy your "cult of cool".

For the listening public, general party people, New Orleans locals, and bar/nightlife patrons in general...

If you enter a bar and the deejay just has a laptop, no other equipment. Walk out. I would bring my laptop in and demand to be allowed to deejay also because... Why not?? Where's the line?? (there are exceptions, but they are VERY FEW) WALK OUT!!!

If you see a deejay that has turntables and/or CD players and a laptop, but no other music. Walk out. Real deejays always bring records/CDs as a backup in case of some computer problems. These guys don't bring these things because they simply don't have any other music except for MP3s. This means they aren't supporting local record stores, and they are probably downloading all of their music for free. They are contributing to the collapse of the economy. WALK OUT.

If you see a deejay with turntables/CD players and a laptop, contantly staring at their laptop, walk out. Deejaying was meant to be done by ear. It is a aural artform. We do NOT need deejays that look like they are checking their email. Also the deejay is NOT caring about you the patron. Their attention should be on the crowd and whether or not anyone is enjoying themselves. A good deejay should have a direct mental line to his or her crowd. It's deejaying 101. WALK OUT.

If you are somewhere and the sound is muddled, distorted and you can barely understand the music. It's because the songs are being incorrectly played. I know it sounds like a common sense thing, but I recently went to an establishment for a drink. The dj's LED were mashed in the red and the sound signal was so distorted, I could barely discern what the track was. If you hear something like this, please WALK OUT.

If you walk in somewhere and after 15 minutes your first thought is "this dj sucks" or "I wish I could access the jukebox". WALK OUT.

These are basically the reasons why we as serious djs, hate you and want to punch you in the face. I don't see you unless I end up wandering into one of your lame hipster nights. You don't support any other djs. As far as I'm concerned, you think you are better than us. That's laughable!

For a musical representation of what I'm talking about please listen to "The Shook Ones (part II)" by Mobb Deep. Here's an excerpt...

For all those who wanna profile and pose,
Rock you in the face,
Stab your brain with your nose bone,
You all alone in these streets cousin.
Every man for their self,
In this land we be gunnin'.
And keep them shook crews runnin',
Like they supposed to,
You come around but you never come close to,
I can see it inside your face,
You're in the wrong place,
Cowards like you just get their whole bodies laced up,
With bullet holes and such,
Speak the wrong words man,
And you will get touched.
You can put your whole army against my team and,
I guarantee you it'll be your very last time breathin'.
Your simple words just don't move me,
You're minor, we're major.
You're all up in the game and don't deserve to be a player.
Don't make me have to call your name out.
Your crew is featherweight...

You get the point...If you don't know the song, that's a big part of the problem right there. I'm here to tell you, it's time to buy a clue. In the immortal words of Twisted Sister, "We're not gonna take it, NOOOOO! We ain't gonna take it! WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"

BTW, wearing dirty vintage clothes, and dirty vintage sneakers only makes us snicker about you behind your back. In this game you've got to pay to play. Looking homeless only makes you more of a joke to us.

Sincerely,

A Deejay Activist

P.S. In our eyes you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. Which are you??

NOLA REAL DJ ROLL CALL: Ed Max, Dj Digital, Dj Kristen, Dj Matty, Dj Lingerie, Maddie Ruthless, Brice Nice, Rik Ducci, ARAjay, Damion Yancy, Dj Kemistry, Dj Jive, Dj Real, Earl the Black Pearl, SOUL SISTER, Supercool Dj Kazu, Mike Swift, Raj Smoove, Bigg Cheeze, Nate White, Dj BlacknMild, Dj Hollaback, EF Cuttin, all the GODJs, Greenleaf Selektah, Dj Chicken, all the Definition Djs, Beverly Skillz, Jermaine Quiz, Dj Resin, MC Gregory, DjMc Microphone, Javier Drada, Gerardo Montoya, Paul B, Dj Proppa Bear, Yellow Frank, Frenzi, T-Roy, Dj Def D... and everyone else that respects the turntable as a musical instrument!!!

WACK DJ ROLL CALL: Dj Flowershirt Freddy, Dj Pompodour Paul, Dj Butt-Sniffer, Dj Steel Steve, Dj Volcanic Victor, Dj Muscular Manpower Bob, Dj Smokin' Steve, Dj Courageous Carl, Dj Reindeer Randy, Dj Luscious Larry, The Pearman, Dj Spam, and all others THAT DON'T BELIEVE IN CUTTING IT UP!!!!!